Every year, after intense negotiations between my Grandma and the church pianist, a song would be picked for me to sing (in shame). Awkwardly standing, hymnal in my trembling hands, knock-kneed AND pigeon-toed ... I would begin the chosen piece. My voice, weak, filled with fear the first line comes haltingly as a tear threatens to run down my cheek. In my mind I drift off to a safer place, a place of rainbows and sunshine. Then the shrill voice of our church pianist yanks me from my zone of comfort as she yells out "SING LOUDER BABY". Humiliation beyond infinity does not begin to describe how I was feeling, but somehow I always made it to the end of the song.
Now I find comfort in music. I tend to get in a mood and music is what helps get me through that mood ... whatever that mood may be. Even right now ... I've got some old Stevie Wonder playing softly in my ear (can't disturb hubby while he's watching sports) and it's hitting the spot.
Here are some funny things - (1) For whatever reason, hubby seems to think I only want to listen to gospel music (????). I always find myself saying 'But you know I love all types of music' to which he replies 'Yes, but you're always in church, so I figure you only want to hear gospel'. (2) As much as I love music and singing ... I do NOT (contrary to popular belief) walk around the house singing, nor do I serenade my hubby. I know, I know ... you're clutching the pearls and gasping for air, but I just don't. Do I sing in the shower? Yes ... but very softly. (3) My favorite music is Reggae, but I never play it in the house (I'm starting to ... while ignoring the funny looks from hubby). I especially love to close the door and dance while my Reggae is playing. It's something so liberating about the sound.
Music has gotten me through some very difficult days in my life and (of course) every song has a special meaning for me. Smokey Robinson's "Quiet Storm" was playing when I gave my "heart" in my first adult relationship. Allyson Williams' "Just Call My Name" was the song I recorded and sent to my hubby when we were dating. Rockie Robbins' "You and Me" was a song that was requested on the radio every weekend by a then romantic partner. Anita Baker's "Giving You the Best that I Got" was one of the first songs I sang as a part of a local professional band. Billie Holiday's "Lover Man" was the first song I actually wanted to sing in front of an audience. "Everything Must Change" is one of my favorite songs to sing, because it speaks to my life. And I can't forget the many gospel songs that have me curled up in the floor like a baby ... as one of my friends always says 'sucking my thumb'.
Music truly has (and always will be) been a huge part of my life. One of the worst things I was ever told ... that after radiation treatment, I would not be able to sing again. I felt the wind had been knocked out of me. First, I have to deal with having cancer and now you tell me I won't be able to do the one thing I enjoy the most. But (again) I'm so thankful God thought enough of me to say 'Don't worry my child, I got you'. Now I give Him all I've got and when that runs out, I ask Him for a second wind.
Thank God for that second wind.
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