Are We There Yet ...

Ever have a problem of deciding where to hang what picture?  This, for whatever reason, is really stumping me at this moment.  The pictures have finally made it to the room I've decided to hang them and most have made it to the wall.  As you know, this is a very serious process, as placement of pictures determines how important those in the pictures are in your life <insert sarcastic face here>.  One of the challenges is we lost wall space.  The majority of the pictures hung in the family room ... which we no longer have.  Our current digs … that open concept; combo living/family/dining room is not picture-friendly.  The main issue-Hubby has three huge sofa-sized pictures he has decided will be displayed in the 'living' section of our space.  I have been moved to all other available walls ... even an under-the-breath suggestion was made to move all family pictures to the office.  NOT!!!!

Each day I’ll take inventory, mentally placing the remaining pictures and each day I walk away leaving the pictures as is.  My other challenge is my home-office or as hubby calls it ‘the room with all the unnecessary stuff sitting in boxes and taking up space’.  I keep saying if I can just get bookcases I will begin to organize that space.  I did manage to put up most of my shoes, not happy with how that turned out, but at least I can find them when I need them.  I have so many awesome plans for that office <sigh>.

I have managed to finish the curio cabinet. :o)  Each little shelf has its own items placed ever so gently where they belong.  That has been my one major accomplishment.  I hope to have the dining table cleared off before the holidays … we’ll see how that goes.

Trick or Treat

As a child, my family participated in Halloween.  Every year we'd get our costumes, hop into the station wagon and hit the neighborhoods we DIDN'T LIVE IN.  We always had fun and we went to what you would consider to be the 'best' neighborhoods.  The residents would go all out decorating their homes, doors would swing open as smiling adults ushered us into their foyer.  There we do funny tricks before getting our treats.  At the end of the night ... we'd rush home to gather in the living room and dump all of our goodies in the middle of the floor.  Those were such wonderful memories and then ... that year the big kids came out, dressed in t-shirts and jeans, white powder on their faces, trying to take our treats ... Halloween wasn't so much fun anymore.

With my own children Halloween became a very guarded practice.  No longer was it safe to accept treats from strangers, no longer could you rush home, dump your goodies in the floor and dive in.  All candy had to be x-rayed for dangerous objects (pins, blades ... just nonsense) and you couldn't even think of eating someone's homemade treats, that stuff went straight to the trash!  It is so sad such a fun thing was turned into someone's sick joke. 

Now I don't participate for religious reasons, I always laugh at myself because I can be so much my Grandma's child ... she conveniently would not take part in various holidays for religious reasons, but had no problem being a recipient during that particular holiday.  Well I love to visit my co-workers and gleefully sing ♫trick or treat♫ as I reach into their candy dishes.  I even keep one on my desk for the office trick or treaters.  Thankfully my children are now grown with their own, because I just do not do the dress up thing or the taking kids around the neighborhood thing or the answering the door thing.  Too much drama from the little ones these days.  They are never happy with what you've provided and then they want to be greedy and take all they see.  One year we just left the bowl out and within minutes ... EMPTY and we knew that many children had not stopped by in that short time.

I was hoping to attend some sort of activity (harvest night), but I really don't have the patience to deal with a lot of stimulation right now.  So ... here's hoping for a peaceful, uneventful night on October 31st.

Do You Remember?

The old folks say if you survive (insert YOUR drama here) you're here for a reason ... a purpose. 
One thing I can say is my life has been filled with drama.  I tend to avoid reality shows because I can't stand the scripted drama.  It says to me 'the creators feel your life is boring to viewing America, so we're going to make it ratings worthy' ... now pick up that shoe and beat your best friend.  As if real life doesn't have enough of its own challenges (smh).

It took years of growing, maturing and learning for me to realize, for every rough situation in which I emerged scratched but not destroyed, I owed everything to God.

• I remember climbing trees to get to the top of the roof of a two-story building, so I could jump from the roof (so thankful for soft, uncut grass).
• I remember hitchhiking rides when I was in a hurry, too young to drive and no close friends with transportation.  Yup ... just hopping into cars with strange men (no women ever seemed to slow down) and depending upon them to get me to my destination safely ... and in 'tact'.  Only once did I have to implement protective measures, but that didn't deter me from continuing the very dangerous practice. 
• I remember jumping in the car with my Mom to go beat up the 'other woman'.  Yeah, I was a ride or die chick before it was popular. 
• I remember drinking so much I couldn't feel my lips and yet I got behind the wheel of my car and drove 30 miles to get home. 
• I remember being robbed ... at gun point.  I placed my hand on the gun and pushed it away thinking it was a joke.
• I remember throwing myself down a flight of stairs ... when events in my life had begun to consume me.

So many times, too many to list here (and some too embarrassing) ... God stepped in when my foolishness took over and He saved me from myself.

The first time ...

The lyrics say 'The first time ever I saw your face ...'.  I remember the first I saw him ... it was 1988, we were on our way back to Petersburg after hanging out at  friend's house in Hopewell.  One of my cohorts had to use the bathroom and we flat-out refused to let him pee on the side of the road as he suggested, so we pulled into the McDonald's on Oaklawn Blvd.  While we waited patiently in the car we could see the folks eating inside.  That's when this gorgeous dark-skinned man got up from his table.  We could see he was built and I wanted a closer look.  He returned to the table and a few minutes after ... our friend returned to the car.  By this time we had worked ourselves into a frenzy over this guy and my cousin agreed to go in the McDonald's with me, so I could say something to him.

As we head inside, my inner-shy decided it was time to come out ... I couldn't open my mouth!  He and the guy he was sitting with glanced in my direction, smiling.  I smiled and quickly turned my head, my cousin punched me in the shoulder.  I walked up to the counter, ordered an apple pie, got my order, turned toward them, smiled again and took my happy butt out the door.  Of course my cousin was on my heels ... cursing.  As we get in the car she's verbally beating me up and calling me scared.  I sit there, hands on the wheel but I don't start the car.  Now it becomes a decision of do I go back in and try again or do I wait for him to come out?  So ... we sit ... for THIRTY LONG MINUTES!!! 

We begin to wonder just how much they could eat and why were they taking so long.  My cousin and our friend become irritable and are ready to leave.  Me being me, I continue to sit there, I wait.  After what seemed like another eternity, they finally start preparing to leave their seat.  As they approach the exit I roll my window down and motion for him to come to my car.  They look at each other and the other guy points to himself (???).  I quickly shake my head no and point again.  The gorgeous guy realizes I'm talking about him, he smiles and heads toward the car.  This also allows me the opportunity to 'take it all in'.  He is A-MAY-ZING!!  Tall, slender but muscular, bowed-legs and extremely dark.  His smile flashed and once he got close enough I could see why ... GOLD TEETH (smh).  One strike but not enough to put him out.

He kneels beside my door and leans partially in ... no bad breath thank goodness.  My first question: What's your name?  He responds and asks my name, I respond.  My next question: Are you married?  To this one he holds up his left hand, twirls it around in the air and then rests it on my door.  I respond by saying 'that doesn't mean a thing'.  He smiles and then says he's married but separated (insert my 'sure ya are' face here) and asks is that a problem for me.  Now let me say this was at a time in that I did some things I'm not so proud of ... that being said, my response was 'doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you'.  From that point we exchanged contact information and both said we'd be in touch.  I started the engine, pulled out the parking lot and pointed my car toward Petersburg, so my exhausted but excited partners could finally lay heads on a pillow.

It was later that night as I sat in my living room that a knock came at my door.  I approached the peephole wondering who in the world would be coming by (this time of night) without calling and has I adjusted my eyes I found myself blinking, trying to make sure of what I saw.  I slowly opened the door and there he was ...

Safe Haven

Psalm 43:2

New Living Translation (NLT)

² For you are God, my only safe haven.  Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?

I have found myself searching for that 'safe haven' more often lately.  I still remember the day I was told I had breast cancer ... wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel, but didn't really have the chance to think about it ... hubby was standing there dismissing the news as if I'd been told I have a cold and to go home with some soup.  Maybe that's a good way to handle tough situations, maybe not.  He wasn't in the room with me when I was told it was Triple Negative Breast Cancer ... (take another deep breath and re-heat that soup please).  As I did/do with most things I immediately hit the Internet; never had I felt so defeated, discouraged and disheartened.  Nothing positive, no good news, no wonderful prognosis AND the medical community was claiming it was NEW AND RARE (???).  My breast surgeon jokingly says 'Well Ray, when you do it you do it big'.

Each year I would face a new challenge resulting from my treatment and each year I held my breath waiting for test results.  While each challenge may have weakened my physical self, it seemed to strengthen me mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  In spite of all the things going on I always say "I'm still in remission" and throw my hands up in praise.  This latest challenge has really got me going though.  I'm back where I was with my cancer diagnosis ... not knowing how I'm supposed to feel.  Hubby is pretending to take it in stride, but I can see a difference in his behavior.  Back then it was 'just suck it up and do what they tell you to do', now it's laying out my meds AND juice, watching me everytime I cough, sneeze or say ouch.  It's 'get off the computer and go to bed, you need your rest' and he's a little more controlling and over-protective.

I'm not an invalid and the funny thing is we BOTH now have heart failure, so why isn't HE following the protocol he's trying to force on me?  I spent a few days mad at him (in my mind) because I found out my condition is worse than his (talk about buzzard's luck), but encouraged by the fact his numbers improved after treatment (always looking for that rainbow).

Trying to find ways to deal with this situation and things that will help me better accept what I'm going through.  Keep in mind I was only prepared for handling cancer and it took me a minute to get there.  Then it dawned on me I should treat it just like I did cancer.  Instead of hiding it from people ... talk about it.  Instead worrying what people will say or do around me ... show them how my life continues in spite of my challenges.  And most importanly ... show by example how to overcome this challenge.  Take care of myself, get some sort of activity going (Did I mention I'm now leading a water-walking class at our local YMCA?) and listen to my body.

Some days are still more difficult than others, but everyday I place my feet on the floor is a good day.  This newest challenge is the cause of me again seeking out that 'safe haven'.  Because I haven't shared my condition with everyone (yet) I have to smile when I don't want to and keep it moving.  I've found my patience getting short with foolishness and ignorance (which seems to abound in the workplace).  I've closed my door more often lately ... I need that quiet time, that time of reflection ... meditation ... to focus.  I need that time to renew my spirit and pray for God's anointing, for His touch for His comfort, guidance and strength.

   

Triple Negative Breast Cancer and heart failure ... do I worry?  No.  Am I scared?  No.  Do I imagine what life will be like once I'm gone?  Yes ... don't we all?  Do I wish things were different as it relates to my health?  Yes.  Would I like more time here on Earth to see my grandchildren finish college and have families of their own?  Yes. 

'They' say five years is our benchmark and if we make it to that point without a recurrence our chances of having a recurrence become the same as someone only having breast cancer.  Now let's add that little gift that keeps on giving ... 'after-effects' of aggressive cancer treatments ... January 23rd will be my 5th year ... That's going to be one helluva celebration in 2014!!!     

What To Do

My Pastor preaches this sermon entitled "What to do When You don't Know What to do", it's one of my favorites ... right up there with "What is YOUR Issue?", 'The Butterfly', "Some Noise is Required"  and "Yo Name Used to be Stinky".  He's very animated during his sermons and pulls you right into the story.  I can hear them a million times and each time feel a different way, receive a different message and come away with a different perspective.

About three weeks ago I was diagnosed with heart failure ... I've been trying to work that one out since hearing the results.  I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, act or what I'm supposed to do.  I find a need to tell others only as necessary because I've gotten tired of the 'oh woe is me' looks I'm getting from folks who think they're showing concern.  Don't get me wrong ... I appreciate how much they care about me, but I never have and never will seek sympathy as it relates to my challenges in life.  I want you to continue treating me as you did BEFORE you heard the news.  I am still the same person ... I admit the diagnosis has put a pause in my step, but as I've always said during my journey "I'm not going to let this define me"  and I'm not going to let this dictate my life, control my every action, limit my social life or steal my joy.  I will exercise common sense, but I will not become a recluse.

When I get to the point I need a wheelchair and an oxygen tank I'll be sure to give you a call ... until that time you know where to find me ... in the choir stand, front row, next to the microphone.

Behind the Door

I am thankful for every day that God allows me to open my eyes, take a breath and begin my journey ... renewed, refreshed and covered by His grace. Those of us diagnosed with breast cancer face many challenges and for me, the greatest challenge is facing the world. Folks don't know what others go through in addition to life's little dramas, but I do know with God all things are possible.
Here's a little peek into my life 'behind the door'.

This is a part of my daily therapy to control my Lymphedema, it's called a Flexi-touch and it mimics the manual therapy performed by a physical therapist.  Most folks see this and immediately feel sorry for me ... which I always find interesting.  Compared to all the other issues I deal with ... this therapy, for me, is considered relaxation. 

Another thing I find funny ... I'm approaching my five year mark with TNBC and no matter how much I talk about breast cancer it seems people don't realize I'm a survivor until I post one of these pictures.  Perhaps I should start walking around looking like I'm on my last leg and in need of help ... NOT!!!!!!  God has been too good to me and I've come through so much in my life that I can't do anything but give Him my best.  That means be grateful for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G He places in your life.   Praise Him through the good and the bad, not just the good.  We always tend to find Jesus when we're going through and forget about Him when things are smooth.

I know that I need Him to survive and I will never take Him for granted.  I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me!!

Happy Birthday?

This date has become so difficult for me.  It was 1986, labor started on October 7th, 10:15pm. On October 8th (more than 20 hours later) @ 7:10pm, I was holding a beautiful baby ... my son, Kevin Alexander Moore. 

He was my joy, my light and as he got older my shadow, my side-kick.  No one could ever tell me he would become my source of pain, my anguish and at times tearing out my very soul.  I love both my children with all my heart, but I admit I always shared a closer connection with my son.  My Grandma raised my daughter for the first seven years ... I mean I was there to hold her, change her feed, her, comb her hair, but Grandma was in control and that was her child more than mine.  I spent the majority of my daughter's early years working (my brother Alvin said if I was old enough to lay down get a baby, I was old enough to work and take care of a baby) to ensure my Grandma would not shoulder the financial burden of a teenage mother. 

When I was surprised with the birth of my son (yes I said surprised and that's another blog for another day)  ... as they laid him on my chest and those big brown eyes looked up at me, my heart melted and I vowed I would do what I had to do to ensure I would be there for him ... especially his early years.  This is how our bond became so close.  I wouldn't let him leave my side for the first two years and when the time came for me to return to work ... I reluctantly sent him to daycare.  Having both my children with me I began my journey of real motherhood. 

There were many times I sacrificed to make sure they did not go without.  I've always felt no child should suffer for a parent's indiscretions.  That child did not ask to be here, so don't hold them responsible or hold a grudge because you can't go out or buy that outfit you've been dying to have.  Suck it up Buttercup and handle your business.

I watched my son grow into a handsome, intelligent young man.  Even in his teen years he would still slide up next to me and lay his head on my shoulder.  My son, my baby. 

It wasn't until his high school years that he started to drift away.  No longer did he tell me all his secrets or share his day with me.  No longer did we hangout on the weekends or even the weekdays.  He was growing up and had discovered life outside of the home.

Well ... he's a grown man now ... with a wife and children.  I won't be like most mothers and totally blame someone for the changes in my son, but I will say he has not made the best decisions with his life.  It hurt me to watch my son, that had so much promise, make decisions that would have long-term negative effects on his life.  While I won't spill all the beans on how he ultimately ripped out my heart, I will share that his behavior was something I would have never done to my worst enemy.  The clincher ... receiving a phone call in the middle of the night to be told "You are no longer my mother" (yes ... my son inherited my drama gene). 

Every October 8th I cry, but I still pray and believe he will achieve his purpose in life. 

Today I wish him Happy Birthday

Ta-Ta for Now ...

O-C-T-O-B-E-R - The month we are buried in a sea of pink.  Quite a few survivors express they are sick of the color pink, the ribbons and all they represent.  They post their 'F*ck Cancer' pictures and poems (yes ... we've taken time to compose our anger and share to the masses) and spend the month totally focusing on how much they hate it and will be glad for the time it is once again just October and just the color pink.  Well, I was ahead of the game ... I was never fond of pink, but was always told 'It's your color' (who knew) and of course I have a granddaughter who absolutely loves those various shades of pink (she's such a girl ... sometimes ...).

I have come to embrace the color and the ribbon.  I welcome the month and bringing global awareness to a disease that has taken so many lives and drastically changed the lives of those of us still here.  You call us 'Survivors' ... I prefer 'Overcomer'.  I've tried to insert that into my discussions/meetings over the years, but it's been hard to catch on ... I really think if the right person throws it out there ... say Robin Roberts or some other great, well-known champion ... we'd have 'overcomer' shirts as opposed to 'survivor' shirts.  Just a thought and in case Robin Roberts somehow trips across this blog (yeah right).

I'll be 5 years into remission January (2014) and I plan to celebrate around February-ish.  That 5 year mark is very important for me and others diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC).  It means are chances of survival improve and we get to start the next countdown in our journey.  Some of my TNBC sisters have not been so fortunate and are no longer here to continue the countdown. 

My dream after surgery was always to get reconstruction and a FREE tummy tuck!!  I envisioned myself walking around with perky new breasts and a oh-so flat tummy.  Well that dream was deferred when I was told there was too much damage from the radition to take a chance on reconstruction.  I say 'deferred' because I'm still considering taking that chance, not for the sake of vanity (at least not totally), but this time more for the sake of feeling good about myself when I look in the mirror.  You see ... I still have not adjusted to the un-even appearance of my top-shelf (yes, 'top-shelf' as in the better brands of alcohol at the bar ... tee-hee).  I would welcome the opportunity to get a re-adjustment and if they happen to throw in that tummy tuck ... I won't complain.

I can see me know, strolling around with my new Ta-Tas and tummy, head held high, shoulders back and paying so much less for my bras.  Oh ... I love me some me right now, but I would love me some me even more if I didn't spend additional time in the mirror trying to align my top-shelf.  A dream deferred ... sigh.

Enough about me and shelf (Did I mention I have little patience for narcissism?)

This month is about bringing more awareness to a very serious issue affecting so many ... breast cancer and for me TNBC (Did you know there are different types of breast cancer?).  Because our number are increasing, the research efforts are increasing ... not equally, but they are increasing.  We need to continue to encourage, educate and empower everyone man, woman and child BEFORE they are called on this journey and if they are ever called ... we double our efforts.

A little secret: Many 'overcomer's are surprised to hear those with TNBC have no real maintenance plan after treatment.  Right now it's kind of 'throw something out there and see what works' or my plan ... trust in God.  So far my plan has been working, so I think I'm going to stick with that one. ;o)

 

The Devil Doesn't Always Wear Prada ....

What is it about some women that make them so insecure?  Why must we constantly undermine each other, tear each other down, compete with each other and fight to be the center of attention? 

As I've gotten older I've learned some things about myself ... I have very little patience for ...

• Passive-aggressive people
• Liars
• Back Stabbers
• Fakers/Phonies
• Manipulators
• Control Freaks
• Narcissists
• Bullsh*tters
• Jealousy

Just mess ... I don't have the time or patience for messy people and women who spend their time destructively criticizing other women in an effort to lift themselves up are the most messy of them all.  It is so disheartening to watch a woman, who should be trying to uplift another woman, attempt to sabotage another woman ... simply because she wants what she thinks another woman has.  We (women) find it so difficult to be happy for another woman, to encourage another woman (without an ulterior motive) and to support another woman.  We always operate with these hidden agendas.  I have noticed this more and more since being diagnosed.  The people I've encountered on my journey have, at times, left me dumb-founded.  To be so cruel and selfish when you should be thanking your higher power and grateful ... shame on you.

I did promise myself this much ... that I wouldn't allow their actions or behavior to deter me from my calling and I would suggest anyone else facing THAT beast do the same. 

Treat them like the mess they are ... Just remember ... before you come into my house, wipe your feet off on the door mat.