Friday, December 27, 2013

Promises, Promises

New Year’s Resolutions – Have you made one?  I’ve gotten to a point I don’t make resolutions, I just say I’m going to do better than I did before.  So many of us start out with good intentions, our ‘who-we-need-to-forgive-or-ask-forgiveness’ lists, our fitness goals, our healthier eating goals … and let’s not forget our 30-60-90 day challenges.   The many fitness centers eagerly awaiting our arrival as we promise to get fit for just one dollar … only to have those things slowly fall to the wayside.

Part of my vacation included organizing my home office.  I’m sitting here right now, surrounded by mountains of diet cookbooks, exercise books, healthy-living pamphlets, exercise DVDs, meditation CDs and half-used journals.  All of these items accumulated over the years … each one a different end of the year resolution.  I have self-help books on every subject, how-to books, inspirational books, home improvement books and even books on how to write books … all purchased with good intentions for a new year.  Even with all that, I forgot the most important thing, improving myself from within.  

I’ve said I don’t make resolutions however, now I do make promises … to myself.  These promises are supposed to keep me on track, hold me accountable, make me a better person and improve my inner-self.  I have promised myself I will attend bible study in the coming year and that I will not allow people to schedule things that could conflict with that night.  That’s something I can control.  And that’s another promise I made to myself, take back control of my life … both in and out of the home.  Most importantly, I have promised myself I will live the life I encourage others to live.  It is crazy that I tell someone else how or what they should do yet not apply this advice in my own life (physician heal thyself).

So I’ve made a conscious decision, not a resolution - While I’m working (slowly) on my outer-self I am also working on my inner-self.


Thursday, December 26, 2013

You Just Don't Know ...

One of my favorite voices has always been Phyllis Hyman.  Her deep, soulful sound seemed to touch me in places no other voice could reach.  Many of her songs spoke to things in my life and I’d always find myself running the lyrics through my head or humming softly as I went about my day.  One in particular has really stuck with me lately ….

You just don't know what I've been going through, You just don't know how I've been missing you
You just don't know how glad I am that you're back, You just don't know, you just don't know

You just don't know all these tears I've cried, You just don't know how I feel inside
You just don't know how good it feels to have you back …

Those beginning lines are the ones I have realized I constantly sing … out loud; so much so my hubby has started humming the song and can’t figure out why.  I think it’s the holiday season that makes us more cognizant of what we ‘feel’ we are missing in our lives, our jobs, our relationships … our homes … as we look longingly at others who appear to have everything together.  Now with social media it’s even more painful as we see picture after picture of perfect couples, perfect families, perfect homes and oh-so perfect pets.  I think we forget social media allows (now more than ever) to put on the face we want everyone to see.  We forget no one is perfect.  Every family, every relationship … has issues … I mean … really … even the Cosby family had “Cousin Pam” (made myself giggle).

I have never found myself wishing I had the type of relationship someone else had/has, but I have heard women (and a few men) say they wished for my relationship.  This, of course, would leave me speechless and immediately I would begin to mentally re-evaluate how I portrayed my relationship.  I have always told myself I don’t put up a fake or phony show for people … it is what it is … but I do give credit where credit is due and my hubby is a great partner on his good days.  I think people tend to only hear the good stuff and trash everything else.  I have always tried to be honest and I have never over-romanticized anything … again … it is what it is.  One of the stories I know people love to hear is how we reconnected.  They get all teary-eyed and end with ‘you two were meant to be together’.  Some days I agree and some days I don’t.

Whenever I talk to people about relationships I always remind them to become friends first and let the physical aspect be the bonus.  When I met my hubby the first time he was in the military.  Slim waist, broad, muscular shoulders, beautiful thighs and very athletic.  I was always a full-figured girl and around that time I had toned a bit, so I was a very shapely thing.  The second time we met (13 years later) we both had put on a few pounds, moved a little slower, but overall … we were pretty good.  The physical does fade away.  Thankfully we developed a friendship; we learned we could keep each other laughing.

That friendship has come in very handy over these 11 plus years.  I have a very little patience for drama, do NOT like to argue and don’t like to be controlled.  All of these things are found within our relationship and many days I have just wanted to walk away.  Those are the moments (after we have calmed down) we remind ourselves how we met and later … how we met again.  Unfortunately, with each disagreement things are said or done that you can't take back.  For me, that's not a good thing, as each occurrence chips away at the only thing we have left, Love.

This Christmas (not the song) I found myself wishing for what we used to have ...    

You just don't know what I've been going through, You just don't know how I've been missing you
You just don't know how glad I am that you're back, You just don't know, you just don't know

You just don't know all these tears I've cried, You just don't know how I feel inside
You just don't know how good it feels to have you back …   


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Get Moving ...

I DID IT!!!!
Today I finally moved the computer from the dining room table to the office!  Believe me … that is truly a big step for me.  That means I now have to sit in the office and get it organized.  I’ve been avoiding that task since we started unpacking boxes.  I have also found the bed in the guest bedroom … Goodwill is going to love me this year and the producers of Hoarders won’t be knocking on our door.  Of course the major influence for this project is to get my house ‘visitor ready’.  Even though hubby is not a fan of having people over, I still want the place to look homey if someone manages to get beyond the troll living under the bridge. 

My co-workers gave me lots of entertaining cookware (they know I hold meetings) and serving items.  I’m really looking forward to putting them to use.  After the holidays I plan to stock up on other little household entertaining thingies.  I’ve always wanted people to feel comfortable when they come into my home … hubby … not so much.  I had an awesome inspiring-moment when I was invited to a friend of a friend’s home for my first holiday party.  She was the perfect hostess!!  The house was elegant and H-U-G-E, but still managed to feel cozy.  She welcomed everyone with a warm hug and kiss on the cheek.  She flowed through the room with grace in her lovely red evening dress and hubby was dressed ‘casket-sharp’.  I admired how she made everyone feel right at home.  I could tell each guest felt equally loved.  She became my entertaining she-ro. 


Now I don’t have to have everything she has … I just want an ounce of all that love, warmth and spirit to flow through our home and into all those who honor us by choosing to visit.  My future plans include learning more on the selection of GOOD wine … stay tuned. <3 <3 <3


Sunday, December 15, 2013

Enlarge My Territory ...

1 Chronicles 4:10
New King James Version (NKJV)
10 And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!” So God granted him what he requested.

Luke 12:48

New King James Version (NKJV)
48 But he who did not know, yet committed things deserving of stripes, shall be beaten with few. For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more.

These two scriptures stick in my mind, but more so this morning, as I sit here listening to the constant noises from above.  We live in a bottom-floor apartment.  Our neighbors upstairs have two very rambunctious children (my hubby swears one is ‘extra-special’) that don’t like to step lightly.  I’m not going to blame the children, I’m blaming the parents.  As the adults in the home, you should be teaching them to respect their surroundings.  This means if you live above someone you and everyone in your household shouldn’t be stomping around like sailors celebrating shore leave!  If it’s not the children, it’s the Mom … who apparently was trying to get all her partying in before her partner returned from deployment.  Every Saturday, like clockwork, we could hear her putting on what had to be extremely high, thick-heeled shoes.  She walks around the bedroom in them, takes them off, lets them drop to the floor as she searches for a different pair.  How do we know that’s what she was doing?  Well we drew this conclusion, because the pattern would continue until finally she (insert assumption here) found a pair.  Then her three friends would come over and join in on the “fun”.  We could always hear them going up the steps and entering the apartment, then the group tap dance would begin.  This little show continued until it was finally time to leave for the club.  Hubby verified the number of friends, as he was compelled to watch them leave one night (he wanted to see who was responsible for disrupting his solitude).  He took great pleasure in describing each one and how they all could use a course in etiquette and dress.  Why the scriptures you ask?  Well … it would be nice to have a home again.  Not just because of the things associated with apartment living, but it’s just something about having your own.  I loved having my own yard, my own deck, my own garage, and my own walls to do with as I pleased … just having something that was mine (and the bank handling the financing).  We’re both older now and I really don’t know what the future holds for us, but I do know our next move would be the most expensive as I don’t plan on lifting NOT ONE FINGER.  So I am reminded to ask God to enlarge my territory and with that I understand comes much responsibility.  I continue to ask God for strength, wisdom and guidance. I continue to ask God to move in my life, equip me to handle those things I will be given and to keep me in His will. 

I have never seen our upstairs neighbors and wouldn’t know them if they walked up and ‘punched me dead in the throat’ (inside joke).  I can only let my imagination run wild, as I continue to listen to the constant noise from above and trust Him.


Saturday, December 14, 2013

Writer's Block

I have had a very interesting life.  So much so I have been told on numerous occasions I should write a book or a series of books.  It seems EVERYONE that has, what others consider to be, a profound thought is told this same thing (that’s a-hole-helluva-lotta-books).  Years ago I finally got up the nerve to put some of my poetry on paper, but never followed up with a book.  In my head I have always seen my life events play out … like a Stephen King, Irwin Allen, Alfred Hitchcock and now Tyler Perry movie, but I have just never acted on publishing those things.  Many times it was/is because so many people would be hurt or disheartened by what they read in the ‘tell-all’ pages.

The truth is … if the very few people I have allowed, over the years, to be a part of my inner-circle were to join forces … they would have a blockbuster!  I have always been careful NOT to tell everything to one person, just bits-n-pieces here and there with a little extra to those I knew I could trust.  There are some aspects of my life I’m not very proud of and will never tell to anyone … not even in a book, but there are some things – life lessons – I feel could be gleaned from a few moments of my past. 

I’m giving long and careful thought as to how and when I want to begin this writer’s journey.  One thing – I’ll be digging up my old poetry, adding some lovely graphics and putting together two, very short pocket-books.  One will be my ‘sensual’ pieces and the other … I can’t say ‘spiritual’, so I’ll say ‘thoughtful’ pieces.  I also want to look into recording the books using my voice; I have always been told it’s soothing, calming or sensual.  I would love to read to children and older adults.  I know, I know THAT would be the easiest thing to do right away, so that’s the one I’m going to work on along with the pocket-books.  :o)

I want to invest in one of those software programs that will allow me to talk-n-type, because some days I’m really in the mood to dictate, to share an experience, to help someone through a situation, to enlighten someone or just get something off my chest … but have no one to take on that task.  This blogging thing was supposed to be one way of getting my thoughts out of my head and onto ‘paper’, but some days I think it, but just don’t feel like writing it.  Trying to get better about that as well.  

I know one thing I don’t want to become one of those ‘I wish I had done that’ people.  I want to become the person I encourage others to be … the best me I can be.




Friday, December 13, 2013

Too Sexy ...

I often wish I had that hour-glass, fluffy-girl shape I see in all the Ashley Stewart ads … (insert deep sigh here).  I have a cousin in Va Beach, her shape is perfect for AS clothes.  She’s that full-figured girl with the flat tummy, small waist, shapely legs, beautiful feet, proportioned bosom and dynamic smile.  She can glide through a room in 6 inch heels like she was born with them on her feet.  Always flawless (even in sweats running to the drugstore) and makes everything she wears look MAH-VA-LUS!!
Me on the other hand … I ordered a coat from AS and it looked like I was wearing my big sister’s hand-me-downs.  I always have to order clothes to fit my tummy first and the rest of me last.  What I really need is to win the lottery, and then all my things could be tailored to fit.  The last dress I ordered ended up going to my daughter.  I just couldn’t make it work.
On the inside (in my mind) I am this extremely sexy, full-figured woman and everything I slip into looks amazingly A-W-E-S-O-M-E however; the mirror doesn’t lie.  I mean I’m not butt-ugly and Peterbilt is not my last name, but I (like so many others) wish I could move some of this tummy to other places.  A funny thought just popped in my head … remembering when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and all I could think about was getting new breast and a free tummy tuck.  Oh well … guess I’ll have to keep trying the old-fashioned way.

Messy Marvin ...

Been feeling (as the kids say) ‘some kinda way’ all week.  Can’t quite put my finger on it, but something is just not right inside.  My emotions have been all over the place and my patience … extremely thin.  My foolishness tolerance levels … ZERO.  Unfortunately someone I care about had to find that out the hard way.  I love to laugh and joke around as much as the next person, but when I’m serious ... I’m serious.  So many times I’ve had to say I don’t have time for foolishness, yet it always seems to find me.  I can sit in my office … ALONE … and foolishness will step into my doorway, call my desk or even better … send me an email or text and it’s always my adult friends.  Depending on what I’m doing I may get sucked in right away, other times it may take a little longer.
One of the best ways to end up in foolishness is to go out of your lane OR deal with someone that doesn’t know how to stay in THEIR lane.  If you ask me to do something … let me do it.  Don’t go around discussing the task with others, allowing them to add their 2 cents, act surprised when the confusion starts and the expect me to be the one to fix it, understand or ‘be nice’.  And me being in a pissy mood does not make the situation any more pleasurable.
Will I apologize for how I responded to the situation? Nope.  You knew I didn’t like messy when you met me … don’t get amnesia now.