For Better or For Worse

Today was one of our better days.  I have never misled anyone to think our marriage was all rainbows and roses, but we do have our moments. 

We got up with laughter as he opened the blinds and said 'hello my black beauty' ... he was talking to the car. o_0  We spent the morning doing our Saturday ritual of cleaning, napping and channel-surfing (that's his thing).  At 1:30p we headed to the YMCA for our water-walking class.  This was the most fun I've had with him in a long time.  We laughed, splashed, raced (our version) and encouraged each other, then showered, got dressed and went to visit a dear friend. 

Typically when things are going well, something happens to throw a wrench in the works, but today ... we bonded, we had fun and we enjoyed the beautiful weather.  It's moments like these that remind me of why I stick with that knucklehead. 

So until we win that lottery jackpot ... All I can do is pray for more days like today.

Blue Monday

I always have an extra difficult time on Mondays ... more often lately ... aches, pains, pondering my position in life ... all these things seem to take over my day.  Before I know it ... time to go home ... and still ... I never got myself together.  I head home vowing to do better the next day (smh). 

Tuesday rolls in and I'm humming 'Livin for the Weekend'.  Wednesday hits and I'm ready to pull my hair out, by Thursday ... my body is saying 'It's time for you to retire' and Friday ... 5PM, can't get there fast enough.

Lately I've started to drift more ... lose my focus while at work.  Heaven forbid I have to be in front of the computer ALL DAY ... I will be picking my face up from the keyboard by 11AM.  So I've learned to space out my tasks, get up from the computer more, take short walks .... either down the stairs just outside my door or down the hall.  I go in the empty office and walk around in circles (praying no one walks through the door and wonder what in dee world I'm doing), I stand by the shredder and do tummy tucks while shredding paper ... whatever it takes to rejuvenate me until the end of the business day.

Yup ... Mondays are just evil ... they throw off my entire week.  If only there were some type of drink that could make Mondays all better ...

You don't know my story

While chatting with a co-worker an interesting observation came out of his mouth ... he commented on how I should consider myself blessed because I didn't suffer with my cancer treatments.  I found that so amazing and WRONG.  He was comparing me to another co-worker who appeared to age more than 30 years within 4 months of starting chemo. 

I honestly get very disappointed with folks who feel I didn't suffer enough or at least to their level of acceptable suffering.  For instance the person who had the audacity to tell me they would have done something for me, but I didn't look sick (???????????), so they figured I didn't need help ... emotional, financial or otherwise. 

One thing I have learned is never to assume everyone goes through the same experience or that everyone has it easier than me.  I have learned that just like me, others put on an outside mask everyday to face the world and we press our way through.

During one my talks I shared how my past prepared me for my present.  I truly believe those things God allowed to happen gave me the foundation and strength to endure these last several years.  What most people don't know ... there are many other things going on in my life and I really don't have time to focus on the downside of my journey.

It is so funny ... we really do have to be damn near knocking at death's door before some people will extend a helping hand, a gentle touch or a kind word.

Winning ... (but not like Charlie Sheen)

Had my follow-up appointment Friday.  More pills to take, more tests to perform.  Sometimes I get so tired of taking meds and folks poking & prodding me.  I'm so tired of being in pain, so tired of adjusting my life to accommodate my challenges, so tired of smiling when I don't feel like it on the inside, so tired of not being able to do the things I really want to do.  I'm having my moments of 'I've got to focus on doing better with my health' and then my moments of 'I've got to die from something'. 

Something has got to give.

On a brighter note, I've been called to come out 'retirement' so to speak.  A friend wants me to return to the microphone and hosts his shows.  I'm excited and it's given me another reason to focus on better health and increased activity.  I cannot get on a stage, representing a fitness organization and look like I've never seen the inside of a gym.  My ego won't allow it (thank goodness) and I want this to be a win-win for both of us.

I'm also representing the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation in October at an event called the Fall BRAzaar in Richmond.  I'm honored they thought enough of me to reach out and entrust me with spreading the message, as well as sharing information to educate others.  Again ... another win-win situation.

I'm excited about the Wellness Ambassadors and the upcoming W.E. Family Gathering aka town hall meeting on Oct. 8th and being chosen to represent the project within the Petersburg Wellness Consortium (PWC).  Part of my project is to head up water-walking clubs at the YMCA in Petersburg and the support from the Y has been awesome!!  Another win-win situation.

With all this 'winning' going on I think I can withstand a few more pills, test, poking and prodding as long as it's a 'win-win'.

In A Twinkling ...

Life is so funny.  Monday night I was on the phone with a very dear friend ... my confidante ... one of the few folks I allow inside my life.  We were joking around as usual, but she sounded so tired.  I had mentioned to her during the week how she sounded like she needed some rest.  She would say she was fine and we would continue our jokes. 

That Monday night on the phone I decided to end our conversation earlier than usual by telling her to get some rest.  She then relented by saying she did all of sudden feel really tired and would try to stretch out for a bit. 

It was early Tuesday morning that my phone rang with the news that she was in ICU.  She had suffered a massive heart attack AFTER we had ended our conversation the night before.  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I thought of not having my 'partner' beside me.  I pulled myself together and slowly digested the rest of the information.  I could hear the cracking in her daughter's voice and she, like me, attempted to put on the brave face. 

She kept me posted on her progress and I kept her lifted in prayer.  As soon as she was able to talk on the phone ... I called.  I gave her my best jokes and she laughed ... as much as she could. 

She was moved from ICU to a cardiac floor today and I was able to go sit with her for a few hours.  It was so wonderful to see her sitting up, talking and immediately we began our back-n-forth jokes.  Then I sat down, so she could (in her own way) give me the details of what transpired.  It hurt me to hear ... what she went through, what they had to do to save her ... how they didn't think she would make it ... She is optimistic they will let her go home by Friday.

I am so glad He is a God of a second chance.

 

If Only You knew ...

Music has always been an important part of my life.  As far back as I can remember I've always been involved with music ... either listening, playing or singing.  As a child I was painfully shy, but forced to participate in school programs, the church choir and worst of all ... the dreaded holiday concert/pageant. 

Every year, after intense negotiations between my Grandma and the church pianist, a song would be picked for me to sing (in shame).  Awkwardly standing, hymnal in my trembling hands, knock-kneed AND pigeon-toed ... I would begin the chosen piece.  My voice, weak, filled with fear the first line comes haltingly as a tear threatens to run down my cheek.  In my mind I drift off to a safer place, a place of rainbows and sunshine.  Then the shrill voice of our church pianist yanks me from my zone of comfort as she yells out "SING LOUDER BABY".  Humiliation beyond infinity does not begin to describe how I was feeling, but somehow I always made it to the end of the song.

Now I find comfort in music.  I tend to get in a mood and music is what helps get me through that mood ... whatever that mood may be.  Even right now ... I've got some old Stevie Wonder playing softly in my ear (can't disturb hubby while he's watching sports) and it's hitting the spot.

Here are some funny things - (1) For whatever reason, hubby seems to think I only want to listen to gospel music (????).  I always find myself saying 'But you know I love all types of music' to which he replies 'Yes, but you're always in church, so I figure you only want to hear gospel'. (2) As much as I love music and singing ... I do NOT (contrary to popular belief) walk around the house singing, nor do I serenade my hubby.  I know, I know ... you're clutching the pearls and gasping for air, but I just don't.  Do I sing in the shower?  Yes ... but very softly.  (3) My favorite music is Reggae, but I never play it in the house (I'm starting to ... while ignoring the funny looks from hubby).  I especially love to close the door and dance while my Reggae is playing.  It's something so liberating about the sound. 

Music has gotten me through some very difficult days in my life and (of course) every song has a special meaning for me.  Smokey Robinson's "Quiet Storm" was playing when I gave my "heart" in my first adult relationship.  Allyson Williams' "Just Call My Name" was the song I recorded and sent to my hubby when we were dating.  Rockie Robbins' "You and Me" was a song that was requested on the radio every weekend by a then romantic partner.  Anita Baker's "Giving You the Best that I Got" was one of the first songs I sang as a part of  a local professional band.  Billie Holiday's "Lover Man" was the first song I actually wanted to sing in front of an audience.  "Everything Must Change" is one of my favorite songs to sing, because it speaks to my life.  And I can't forget the many gospel songs that have me curled up in the floor like a baby ... as one of my friends always says 'sucking my thumb'. 

Music truly has (and always will be) been a huge part of my life.  One of the worst things I was ever told ... that after radiation treatment, I would not be able to sing again.  I felt the wind had been knocked out of me.  First,  I have to deal with having cancer and now you tell me I won't be able to do the one thing I enjoy the most.  But (again) I'm so thankful God thought enough of me to say 'Don't worry my child, I got you'.  Now I give Him all I've got and when that runs out, I ask Him for a second wind.

Thank God for that second wind.

A Kiss is Just a Kiss ...

I love kissing ... I really think I love kissing more than the actual act of sex.  Over the years I worked to perfect my own personal style. 

I remember so vividly my attempt at tongue kissing touch.  Young and in love with my first real boyfriend, James ... he convinced me we should give it a try.  We were sitting on the old cedar trunk in the upstairs hallway.  He took my hand in his and slowly we leaned toward each other.  Our lips touched, ever so gently ... several quick pecks and then ... .  HE SHOVED HIS TONGUE INTO MY MOUTH!!!!  I quickly jumped, fell back and began spitting!!!  It was the nastiest thing I could ever imagine.  It was like someone slipped a piece of leather in my mouth and just let it rest on my tongue.  I was so disgusted I ran to the bathroom to brush my tongue.  Who knew he was less experienced than me?!?!?! 

Needless to say ... as time went on I encountered partners more experienced, I gained a greater appreciation for the art of kissing.  Being one that always researches a task, I even read literature on the perfect kiss.  As you know, anything worth doing is worth doing right.  I practiced using my hands (don't ask), watched every romantic movie, porno (for informational purposes only ...), read Harlequin novels (they wrote the best kisses), Cosmo, Penthouse Forum ... anything I could find related to kissing and being the best kisser.  I took (and still take) great pride in being told I was (am) an excellent kisser.

I'm older now, but my love of kissing has not diminished.  My favorite method is to gently cup your face in my hands, pull you closer to me, then start slowly at the edges of your lips, downward to your chin, onto your jawline ... tracing it with light butterfly kisses, heading toward your neck, slowly working my way back up to your mouth, gently kissing first, your lower lip, moving to include your upper lip and then slowly kissing around the edges of your mouth before gently sliding your lips apart with the tip of my tongue (praying you don't get carried away and try to suck me in) and we join together ... receiving each other.
  
YUP!  There is nothing that can curl my toes better than a passionate kiss.

Church Folk

My manager so dislikes it when I refer to people as 'Christians' while speaking of some foolishness that has happened in a church (disclaimer: This is not exclusive to my Church); he always says 'those are not Christians, those are church-folk'.  

 

He's right ... Christians don't waste time on foolishness, they do everything possible to avoid or deflect those situations ... church-folk ... live for that moment.  I have stopped being amazed at the depths some church-folk will sink to justify their cause.  Some days all I can do is walk away laughing, shaking my head, at the antics we church-folk perform under the guise of being Christians.  This is not saying I'm so holy and above judgment, simply making an observation from which to learn how NOT to act on my journey.

 

Every day is a struggle for me ... to live right, do right, hold my tongue and think good thoughts when I know I want to slap the taste out of someone ... but every day ... I keep pressing toward the mark (smh).  I'm definitely not one of those persons who can quote scripture word-for-word, but I can tell you how He has changed my life, how He has covered me ... even when I didn't deserve it and how He has (as the old folks say) always been there right-on-time.

 

I L-O-V-E to laugh and have fun, sometimes some 'church-folk' think I have too much fun.  I know this by the holier-than-thou looks I get from those who don't approve of 'too much fun' in the church.  I'm so glad God gave me a sense of humor, because without it ... I could have never laughed my way through all of the foolishness.

 

Life is too short.  Since being diagnosed, going through treatments and learning to live with the after-effects I have noticed I laugh more, love harder and tend to dismiss the bull (it is what it is) quicker.  Am I thankful God has (once again) brought me through?  Y-E-S!!  Does this mean I have to walk around with my head in the clouds, stepping on folk, rating folk's level of Christianity, questioning folk's religious commitment because they're enjoying life too much or heaven forbid ... they are even practicing the religion "I" approve of ... ? NO!  Church-folk are so busy working on everybody else's foundation they can't see the cracks in theirs.  How about this ... I tend to my mess, you tend to yours and I guarantee you neither of us will have time to criticize the other.

 

A wise friend shared an old thought ... 'don't be so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good'.
Here are the lyrics to Johnny Cash's song, No Earthly Good -
Come heed me, my brothers, come heed, one and all
Don't brag about standing or you'll surely fall
You're shining your light and shine it you should
But you're so heavenly minded, you're no earthly good

If you're holding heaven, then... spread it around
There's hungry hands reaching up here from the ground
Move over and share the high ground where you stood
So heavenly minded, you're no earthly good

The gospel ain't gospel until it is spread
But how can you share it where you've got your head
There's hands that reach out for a hand if you would
So heavenly minded, you're no earthly good

If you're holding heaven, then spread it around
There's hungry hands reaching up here from the ground
Move over and share the high ground where you stood
So heavenly minded, you're no earthly good

 

Get Away ...

I would so love to really have a weekend in that I'm not doing anything, except what I want to do. 

We recently moved and my spare time has been consumed with unpacking, picture hanging, knick-knack moving, dusting (hate that part) and searching for things I KNOW I should have come across by now.  I try to pace myself, but I can't stand seeing the boxes, the items patiently waiting their turn to be assigned a spot, the mountains of paper and bubble wrap, the constant moving of stuff from one room to another.  I'm just tired.  If I could I'd hire a decorator just to handle all of this, so I could sit back and enjoy the finished product.

Finally felt like I'd accomplished at least one task when the final DVD was placed on its rack.  I celebrated by plopping my body in the recliner and turning the vibrator on high and resisting the temptation to pop open that keepsake bottle of Virginia wine I purchased so long ago (smh).

I have discovered several movies I never watched, several books I never read and an entire bag of clothes ... that I CANNOT WEAR ... that last discovery was very disheartening.  I find myself making mental notes ... now that's a joke ... to get additional shelves for the shelvey-type stuff and promising myself I WILL purchase additional picture frames, mattes, blah, blah, blah.  The majority of the wall pictures have actually made it to the walls and now I'm left with stacks of pictures that would have sat over the fireplace ... IF we had one.  Then there's our military 'wall of honor' and picking just the right space for those pictures.  That has proven to be more of a challenge than I could have ever imagined.  Sooooooooo ... they're 'wall of honor' is the empty space on the dining table.

The home is coming together s-l-o-w-l-y and hubby is even trying to help.  Let's just hope he doesn't sever an artery with that box cutter.  <sigh>

Take Me Back

Ever have one of those days that you wish you life were a golf game and you could ask for a do-over?  Sitting here gazing longingly at what was supposed to be my lunch and hoping I'm not called away from desk for another situation.  I've actually fallen into a stupor and don't know what should be my next task.  There's plenty of paperwork on my desk and I know there are tons of changes to be made ... just can't seem to focus on the task(s) at hand.  Every time I find my rhythm the phone rings and/or a face appears in my door ... filled with questions best answered by another responsible party. 

In between that I have to get on the phone to discuss medical bills that should have been paid by the insurance company, but for some unknown reason were not.  My patience gets very thin when I have to deal with people who act as if they are clueless and take great pleasure in putting me on eternal hold. 
Today has been so filled with non-productivity <sigh>

It's foggy inside

Just like my life on a challenging day, my thoughts have become erratic and I have to seize them (write it somewhere) or risk losing the thought <sigh>.

More days than I care to admit I've misplaced something, forgotten something, forgotten a person, place or event, told someone something and forgot what I said (I wouldn't make a good politician at this point ... or would I .... ) or the ever famous ... forgot what it was I-was-just-about-to-do.  That old trick of walking back through the door or retracing your steps stopped working for me a few years ago <bigger sigh>. 

It's funny (to me), but it will be writings, like this, that will preserve my little place in history.  Within my family all of the story-tellers, the keepers of the verbal family history ... have passed on the torch ... but we neglected to keep it lit.  Now we find ourselves doing a 'patch-work' history, connecting via social media (thank goodness) and researching every person that remotely looks like us, has a last name that sounds familiar (or the same as your momma's-daddy's-momma's-daddy's-uncle's-cousin's-daddy's-momma's-daddy (yeah ... we go waaaaaaayyyyy back).  I have enough difficulty remembering day-to-day events!!!

My go-to reason is of course - CHEMOBRAIN.  It has saved me on many occasions and even earned me a hug or two. :)  Unfortunately it isn't a joke and I've learned to laugh about it instead of cry.  It's all a part of that 'new normal' they keep telling me I have to embrace.  Most days ... it sucks ... big time, but I continue doing the crosswords, playing the mind-stimulating games in my down-time and using tons of sticky notes.  The reminder functions on my phone, computer, etc. are great ... when I remember to use them <sigh>.

So now I'm going to start my day ... my hubby will pack my lunch, place my bags by the door, place my cell phone, office keys and pills for the day next to my purse and I guarantee you ... I will get to work, sit at my desk and wonder ... 'Did I put on deodorant?'

What's Love Got to Do With it?

Is it that people just don't want to be lonely?  I've heard my hubby say several times 'well at least they've got somebody to come home to'.  Really??  I truly believe you can be in a room filled with people and be all alone.  I believe you can be in a relationship for years and be all alone.  I believe you can be in a marriage and be all alone.  It's not having the other person there that makes the relationship ... it's knowing there's a connection, a mutual respect, love, understanding, compassion, caring and something beyond the physical.

I always observed my Grandma and her husband (not my biological grandfather, but I loved him with all my heart) in their marriage.  I remember how they let everyone know it was their 25th anniversary ... we were in the kitchen, he was sitting at the table, she fixed him coffee (the way he liked it), they both looked at each other and kind of sighed.  Then she went back to the kitchen stove to finish fixing breakfast.  I looked up at him ... confused ... then he said 'Yup, 25 years.  That's when it hit me it was their anniversary.  I got excited thinking there was going to be a celebration of some sort .... but there wasn't.  He got up, put on his hat and headed out to start his shift.  She cleared the table and we began to wash dishes. 

I'd always known they slept in separate rooms and never thought anything of it.  They seemed to be content with their arrangement.  I could tell he would do anything in the world for her and she was always supportive of him.  It was years later, after he had passed away, that my Grandma shared with me they married for companionship.  And that's what they were ... the perfect companions. 

I find myself looking over my life now ... remembering when I knew without a doubt any future marriage for me would end up the same way (don't ask me, just had a feeling).  Well ... we haven't made it to separate rooms or even separate beds for that matter, but we are in that companionship phase of our marriage.  I always tell younger people to develop a friendship first, then work on the love thing.  If you go into a relationship with only a physical attraction, when the physical starts to fade away .... what are you going to do?

It's so hard these days to feel secure in knowing someone truly loves you for you and not for your status, money or material things.  I do know once you find that person who loves you unconditionally, who doesn't throw your past back at you, who doesn't do for you expecting something in return, who trusts you and who believes in you .... that's a friendship you should build upon. <3 <3 <3

Front Street

I've always said my life (that I'm willing to share) was not interesting enough to put in a blog.  I've had the pleasure of reading other blogs and learning so much more about the writers through their stories.  Well ... here I am ... using this as a part of my healing process.

Not sure what I'll put out for the public and not even sure I want others to read my posts, but I'm going to give it a try just to free my mind.  Don't stay tuned. <3 <3 <3