Gonna Miss You Man ...

Feeling some kind of way today, a very special friend transitioned early yesterday morning and my heart still hurts.  I didn’t toss and turn last night … just laid there … waiting for sleep to come.  Kept trying to clear my head, but everything seemed to remind me of him.  He will be missed by many, but I wonder do ‘they’ realize the full impact of what has happened.  He was more than a friend, he was Petersburg and he was radio before he was ever on the air.  He made Magic … magic.  He was our voice, our connection, our champion.  He never forgot those he encountered along his journey … even if only for a moment.  He took great pleasure in reminding you of something crazy you might have done, laughing with you … not at you.  He was a gentle spirit with a loving touch, he could wrap you in a warm embrace that made you wish he’d never let go … he was … Home.

The tears I shed now are coupled with smiles and fond memories … of times that I will always cherish.  Your dream will continue.

Many years ago … I wrote a poem … trying to put into words the loss of someone dear to me.  Today I feel it’s worth reading again.  Gonna miss you Man …

A Woman

Like a tree, firmly rooted, being pressed by fierce winds . . . we bend . . .

slightly, yielding . . . but never giving up our ground.

When it becomes too much, we cry out “Why me!” not realizing, not

understanding when we’re told “Don’t worry God has a plan.”

A Plan?!

What kind of plan is this?!

To take away something so dear, so kind, so good to me?

Have I not been faithful? Have I not been true?

What have I done to deserve such misery?

But I must hold my head up and be strong.

I must hide all pain, sorrow and heartache.

Because I am woman.

I am strong. I am immovable.

No matter what fierce winds blow into my life . . . I will not break.

For this is what I’ve been taught.

Because God, in His infinite wisdom . . . allowed me to feel joy

. . . to cry . . . to experience life . . . even in the midst of death . . .

For He made me a woman.

-Raymon/1997

Why Me?

I've been told people constantly come to me with drama because I allow them to constantly come to me with drama.  I've always thought it was because people considered me a good listener, a shoulder to lean on or a source of comfort.  But recently a dear friend has given her take on the situation.  She always says 'See Be ... folks don't come to me with that dumb sh*t and you need to stop them from bringing it to you.  How am I supposed to feel about that?  What am I supposed to do? 

I admit I don't have to get in the middle of the mess, but I don't want to hurt someone's feelings by saying 'take it somewhere else'.  The problem is I usually get sucked into the middle of the mess (sigh) and before I realize it … I own the drama as if it were mine.  I don’t like to see people hurt, abused, taken advantage of or disrespected and I tend to get very defensive … sometimes to my detriment.

I always talk about how we do things to remain ‘relevant’ and I guess that’s my thing, the need to feel needed.  Empathy, compassion, caring, concern … all traits I like to think I possess and are considered good.  But I’m learning when you allow those traits to become the reason YOU constantly end up in the middle of some drama … ‘Houston, we have a problem’.  I believe we start to seek out those we feel need our protection … the downtrodden, the huddled masses yearning to be free … you get the picture.  All because we want to remain relevant; we want to be viewed as the one that’s always there for you … the one who you can count on to pull you out of that bad situation.  WoW … is that similar to a god-complex?  Funny … I’ve never thought of myself as having a god-complex, but once I started typing it started to read as if that’s my issue.  All those things I mentioned are what God is supposed to be … to do … who we tell others He is … a present help in the time of trouble.

Recently I’ve had several conversations in that TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE have asked me ‘… but what does that have to do with you?’  Each time I found myself floundering for a justification … not an answer, a justification … because the answer was it had nothing to do with me.  I have to really watch myself … be more cognizant of my behavior and take conscious steps to remove myself from the drama … that has nothing to do with me.

 

This Week ...

This week … Thanksgiving … woooooooo.  Finances have a way of making you stick to your new lifestyle.  We can’t afford the type of holiday meal I would L-O-V-E to have.  I guess that’s a good thing, cause we’d be sitting here stuffed out of our minds by 3p, trying to recover for round two.  My biggest challenge will be empty calories.  Most nutritionists suggest you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself during the holidays, but I always end up with feelings of guilt while eating that extra deviled egg.

We’ve already purchased the things we plan to eat for Thanksgiving and after (I think some people really forget they have to eat after the holiday).  Tuesday is ‘Pumpkin Bash’ day and all of us have to prepare something with pumpkin as the ingredient.  I’m baking a pumpkin cake for work (thanks Mel for the easy recipe) and the plan is to enjoy any leftovers on our half day.

My holiday ritual used to be driving from house to house, socializing, sipping, eating and singing a few old songs … after too much sipping.  Now it consists of morning service, me and hubby, in front of the TV, maybe a phone call or two and staying up as late as possible cause I don’t have to be at work the next morning.  And because I don’t have to get up for work, I get really buck wild in the bedroom … I don’t set the alarm clock!!!

I am truly looking forward to these few days off from work.  My time to rest a little, do some things in the home, hit the gym IN THE MORNINGS and remind myself that every day is a day of thanksgiving.

 

Dark Shadows ...

I need motivation.  I weigh myself every day … one of my many ‘have-to-do’ things on my journey.  This can be so frustrating, especially when you know your weight is going to fluctuate based on what you’ve eaten, your ‘ghost’ cycle, the time of day … heck … sometimes it seems like even the weather has a say-so.  I focus on the bigger reason for the daily weigh-ins and try not to let the numbers on the scale discourage me.  Lately though … I’ve wanted to toss that freaking scale out of a 40-story window.  It seems no matter what I do I cannot get beyond that ‘number’.  I’ll get right to it and then the weight will come back … never more than five pounds though.  The next week it will go away and then the following week it will return … it likes to torture me. 

Of course the doctor has told me to watch my sodium intake, watch my caloric intake, watch my carb intake … I’ve watched so much intake I am now cross-eyed and crazy.  The increase in activity is as allowed and of course I have no energy and seem to have lost my motivation to get up in the morning and do some sort of physical activity.  Maybe it’s because all of this is happening during a time of the year in which our bodies know we should be shutting down like the bears as they go into hibernation. 

I have made additional little lifestyle changes.  One of my biggest fallbacks is fast food.  I’ve convinced myself it’s easier to stop at one of the many ‘joints’ on my way to work than to fix a healthy meal at home.  This past week I chose to get up and prepare my breakfast.  This saved on money AND allowed me more time to meditate before heading out to the work world.  I was good all the way up to … Friday (sound of the shoe dropping).  Yup … I gave in because my body didn’t really want to go to work, so I stayed in ‘hibernation’ as long as I could before emerging from my ‘cave’.  Now here’s the other shoe … I now have to remind myself that even if I feel I MUST stop for fast food instead of preparing my own … I need to make conscious choices.  I need to realize that it’s better to eat for $3.00 off the dollar menu at McDonald’s (less than 400 calories) than it is to eat the $6.00 meal at Hardee’s that has more than 850 calories … that’s half my caloric intake for the day!?!?!?!? 

I’m definitely a work-in-progress spiritually, physically and mentally and all I can do is try to do better than what I did the previous day.  I’m using my food and exercise diary more to help keep me focused on better choices and increasing activity.  I still don’t know the answer to all the fluid retention, but I’m working on what the doctor has suggested. 

People have this misconception that once someone has made it through (what they consider to be) the worse phases of their illness that everything is all good.  Not so.  For me and many others I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy in conversations … the struggle comes after all the doctors have put away their gloves.  This is why it’s so important to maintain a level of love and concern close to what you exhibited during our darkest hours.  Don’t tuck us away and move on to the next ‘crises.  Continue to check in on us, encourage us, show us love and motivate us when we seem to be losing our focus. 

When the spotlight is no longer shining, there is nothing worse than feeling like you’ve been left on the stage … alone.

 

A Dream Deferred ...

What is it that makes someone give up on a dream?  What happened in your life to make you say ‘I couldn’t do ‘this’ so I’m doing ‘that’ and I’m going to let ‘this’ fall to the wayside?  Wasn’t it your passion … the one thing you always dreamed about doing?  Has life been so challenging for you that you’ve decided to throw in the towel and accept whatever comes your way?

I’ve noticed more of my female acquaintances seem to be having the same revelation lately.  They’re finally admitting what was true all along … they are THE BOMB.  It’s as if a light switch was flipped and now they are declaring how wonderful, smart, beautiful, resourceful and awesome they are (She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25) … as some of our “men” give the old ‘side-eyez’ (smh).  They are stepping out, going for their gusto, achieving their dreams and making things happen.  There is nothing as wonderful as realizing how truly amazing you are … there is no one like you. 

I remember my first serious relationship.  I was 18 … he was older, controlling (I confused that with love) and he had a habit of reminding me that I was lucky to have someone like him.  He constantly told me my family objected to our relationship because they didn’t want to see me happy.  He convinced me he was doing everything for MY benefit.  When I decided I wanted to go to college.  I was excited … until he registered for college too.  I tried to be a part of the marching band … but he didn’t want me to attend practice.  He convinced me that education and my extracurricular activities were interfering with our relationship.  Yes … I eventually withdrew … only later would I realize how much I withdrew.    

We moved to a house that was owned by one of his sisters and I was not allowed to give out the address.  I was also not allowed to have a home phone for the first several months … but then he needed a way to be reached, so we got a phone (it was a few more months before I was allowed to answer the phone).  My daughter would stay with me most weekends, but he convinced me she was better off with my Grandma … funny thing was … my Grandma felt the same way (but that’s another story).  He told me I didn’t need friends that he was my friend and anything I needed to talk about I could discuss with him.

Being young and somewhat impressionable, I gave this man so much power over me I totally lost myself in what I thought was a relationship.  I gave up all the dreams and desires I had in an attempt to become the center of his world, only to discover I had placed myself smack in the middle of a very abusive situation.

It was those little hints I missed early on … the seclusion, the telephone, the mind games … these evolved to insults and threats.  As time went on I graduated to emotional abuse, being blamed for his frequent incarcerations and physical violence.  It was during his last “vacation” that I fell into the arms of someone else (again, another story) and ended the affair just before his release.  How did I know he had set little ‘traps’ around the house?  Add that to his niece and a neighbor he convinced to watch me … I was confronted about the affair.  My gut told me not to deny anything, so I told the truth but of course I added (with dramatic flair) that it was over and wouldn’t happen again.  He said he forgave me and everything was okay, but I knew he was not telling the truth.  I later found out from the guy that he had followed him on several occasions, approached him on his job and attempted to get him in a car (I have no clue what he planned to do) ‘for a ride’.  It was also at this time he began being more verbally abusive.  The threats of physical violence were almost daily (if you so much as look in another man’s direction I will break both your arms), but the frosting on the cake … his plan to trade me for drugs.  He actually sat there and tried to convince me that I owed him this for cheating on him (???).

Well … I waited for him to leave and I packed everything I could into a Hefty trash bag and walked my crazy azz to my cousin’s house … praying she would take me in … she did, we cried together about the situation and then I had to work on my plan to get myself together.

(Fast Forward)

It’s taken some years to get anywhere near back on track with my life.  Many of those years I walked the streets fearing he would pull up on me and try to make me get in a car.  I honestly did not find peace until the day he died.  I even went to the funeral to make sure he was really gone and to say a final goodbye.  My goals, dreams and desires ... restored. 

For what it was worth, he did help to make me the person I am today … stronger, smarter, wiser and resilient.

Where is the Love ...

There are very few things I remember about my Grandma growing up.  The one thing I remember most … I was never her favorite child.  It seemed she picked on me constantly, singled me out for punishment and had me do all the household chores (Why am I having flashbacks to the Cinderella story??).  I was the baby AND the only girl.  All I ever heard growing up was ‘boys don’t do housework’, ‘boys don’t cook’, ‘boys don’t do laundry’ or the best one ‘boys will be boys’, but you are not allowed to have a boy in this house.  That last one was a hoot!  My brothers would have girls in their bedrooms and I could barely have a guy on the front porch?!?!? 

I remember purposely not eating at home … thinking ‘if I don’t eat here I don’t have to wash the dishes’, those dishes were waiting for me every day.  If I didn’t wash them before bed they were waiting for me first thing in the morning.  I remember one of my older brothers sneezing because detergent had gotten in his nose.  My Grandma immediately diagnosed it as an allergy and said he could not wash his own clothes or do anything that required using detergent.  I (on the flipside) got sick one morning before school.  I actually threw up on the kitchen floor.  My Grandma made me clean it up and then told me I still had to go to school (????).  Where is the love???

I was forced to attend church, sing in the choir, usher, attend Sunday school, attend prayer meetings, help out with the church rummage sale, serve as the Sunday school secretary, fix the refreshments for the prayer meetings, and participate in EVERY church activity.  My brothers didn’t even have to attend to church.  I still remember the day I turned 21.  I wore a RED dress to church and informed my Grandma it would be the last Sunday that I would be FORCED to attend that church.  It’s so sad … I grew up in the church, yet I didn’t know what church was about until I grew up.

Most of my family tried to convince me the reason my Grandma ‘felt some kinda way’ about me was she and I were just alike.  I didn’t see it … still don’t.  I remember the day I told her what people had said … but in my own way.  It was one of those days that she was on her ‘let’s tear down my granddaughter’ soap box and she was on a roll.  I was once again reminded that I was a no good-never would be any good slut.  I stood there … allowed her to continue her little rant … and then I calmly said “Well, from what I hear, the fruit doesn’t fall too far from the tree”.  You could have bought her for less than a penny.  I watched her face freeze, eyes glazed as she reached for a crystal ashtray … with the intent to give me a new birthmark.  Now I’ve never been one to raise my hand to an elder and I had no intention of starting that day.  I grabbed her little wrists, held them tightly and called for my brother to come get her before she got hurt.  She tried to wriggle out of my grip, but (luckily) I had her locked down.  I really hate to think how that could have turned out had I not restrained myself.  Where is the love???

The irony … years later … it would be me that had to take care of her.  The even sadder thing … she carried her hatred to the grave.   

The Bucket List

The popular thing now is The Bucket List.  I never thought about having one because I’ve always felt I’ve led an adventurous life … all that is supposed to be behind me now … or is it?  Given (what the doctors say) my current health I’ve been thinking more about that bucket list.  Thinking more about the things I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t … yet.  I’ve always wanted to go on a real cruise.  Not that weekend get-away or that sitting on the dock of the bay cruise, but a real cruise.  I mean I’ll settle for the weekend get-away, but in the back of my mind I will still be hoping for that week long cruise to faraway places.  I’ve always wanted a full-length mink coat, a Lexus SUV, a large master bedroom with a sliding door leading to an enclosed patio, an indoor AND outdoor pool, a home fitness center, an in-home AV room, a colossal bathroom with a lovely vanity set, a Bichon Frise, to be debt-free … including student loans … that’s just a few things … LOL!! 

So here’s my list (so far) of things to do before I die, some have been done since I started the list, some I'm currently doing and others …. Well  ….  

20 Things to do Before You Die:

1. Stop worrying about debt.

2. Stop trying to control your outcome.

3. Look in the mirror and love yourself unconditionally.

4. Find your purpose and live it full heartedly.

5. Don't feel guilty for weight gain.

6. Travel to the place you keep thinking about.

7. Try something that scares you.

8. Be open to change.

9. Let go of your past.

10. Stop trying to change people.

11. Stop thinking you did something wrong.

12. Be yourself.

13. Follow your heart.

14. Recognize the journey is the reward.

15. Stay optimistic in difficult situations.

16. Welcome all life lessons.

17. See the opportunities in every challenge.

18. Inspire others.

19. Forgive all

20. Ask for forgiveness

Six Degrees ...

Why is it when a person within a group of people is discussing some major event in their life we immediately come up with some story to join the discussion?  What’s worse is we feel that it has to be something of major importance … at least to those listening.  We feel the need to always be connected to some tragedy, major drama or whatever is popular at the moment?  When all we’re really doing is just trying to be relevant or draw the attention back to us.  I know of people who have absolutely nothing to do with 9-11, yet they seem to take great pleasure in saying ‘I know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone that related to someone that knows someone that worked at a restaurant 10 miles from the Towers, but they took off from work that day (????????????).  So exactly how did that affect you at your place of work … here in the lovely city of Petersburg???????  And most importantly … why did you feel it was worth sharing???? 

That’s just one of many situations/moments I’ve had to listen to because someone innocently started a conversation about a situation/moment in their life.  I sometimes sit there in awe while the person attempts to link the connection to the event and it’s always the person who is the least connected to the actual event (smh).  I know, I know … you’re saying just stop hanging around those people or don’t entertain the conversation … yeah … but when it’s a ‘sneak attack’ …

 It’s even worse when it occurs during what should be a time of sharing, support and encouragement.  We get into these support groups and before you know it … it has turned into a ‘one-up’ contest.  I’ve known survivors to become upset when they didn’t win a door prize for being the longest survivor.  One person actually went to the organizers of one event and requested the winner be made to produce medical documentation showing her date of diagnosis … really??  People begin to sit around telling one horror story after another in an attempt to make the journey seem harder than yours.   I find that very disheartening and it turns others off as well as discourages them from attending a support group.

One thing we as survivors should strive to do is encourage and uplift each other.  I’m not saying walk around with a crazy smile 24 hours a day, but I am saying don’t be the reason someone else decided it wasn’t worth the fight. 

Always remember, in all things, we are blessed to be a blessing.