Dark Shadows ...

I need motivation.  I weigh myself every day … one of my many ‘have-to-do’ things on my journey.  This can be so frustrating, especially when you know your weight is going to fluctuate based on what you’ve eaten, your ‘ghost’ cycle, the time of day … heck … sometimes it seems like even the weather has a say-so.  I focus on the bigger reason for the daily weigh-ins and try not to let the numbers on the scale discourage me.  Lately though … I’ve wanted to toss that freaking scale out of a 40-story window.  It seems no matter what I do I cannot get beyond that ‘number’.  I’ll get right to it and then the weight will come back … never more than five pounds though.  The next week it will go away and then the following week it will return … it likes to torture me. 

Of course the doctor has told me to watch my sodium intake, watch my caloric intake, watch my carb intake … I’ve watched so much intake I am now cross-eyed and crazy.  The increase in activity is as allowed and of course I have no energy and seem to have lost my motivation to get up in the morning and do some sort of physical activity.  Maybe it’s because all of this is happening during a time of the year in which our bodies know we should be shutting down like the bears as they go into hibernation. 

I have made additional little lifestyle changes.  One of my biggest fallbacks is fast food.  I’ve convinced myself it’s easier to stop at one of the many ‘joints’ on my way to work than to fix a healthy meal at home.  This past week I chose to get up and prepare my breakfast.  This saved on money AND allowed me more time to meditate before heading out to the work world.  I was good all the way up to … Friday (sound of the shoe dropping).  Yup … I gave in because my body didn’t really want to go to work, so I stayed in ‘hibernation’ as long as I could before emerging from my ‘cave’.  Now here’s the other shoe … I now have to remind myself that even if I feel I MUST stop for fast food instead of preparing my own … I need to make conscious choices.  I need to realize that it’s better to eat for $3.00 off the dollar menu at McDonald’s (less than 400 calories) than it is to eat the $6.00 meal at Hardee’s that has more than 850 calories … that’s half my caloric intake for the day!?!?!?!? 

I’m definitely a work-in-progress spiritually, physically and mentally and all I can do is try to do better than what I did the previous day.  I’m using my food and exercise diary more to help keep me focused on better choices and increasing activity.  I still don’t know the answer to all the fluid retention, but I’m working on what the doctor has suggested. 

People have this misconception that once someone has made it through (what they consider to be) the worse phases of their illness that everything is all good.  Not so.  For me and many others I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy in conversations … the struggle comes after all the doctors have put away their gloves.  This is why it’s so important to maintain a level of love and concern close to what you exhibited during our darkest hours.  Don’t tuck us away and move on to the next ‘crises.  Continue to check in on us, encourage us, show us love and motivate us when we seem to be losing our focus. 

When the spotlight is no longer shining, there is nothing worse than feeling like you’ve been left on the stage … alone.