What is it that makes someone give up on a dream? What happened in your life to make you say ‘I couldn’t do ‘this’ so I’m doing ‘that’ and I’m going to let ‘this’ fall to the wayside? Wasn’t it your passion … the one thing you always dreamed about doing? Has life been so challenging for you that you’ve decided to throw in the towel and accept whatever comes your way?
I’ve noticed more of my female acquaintances seem to be having the same revelation lately. They’re finally admitting what was true all along … they are THE BOMB. It’s as if a light switch was flipped and now they are declaring how wonderful, smart, beautiful, resourceful and awesome they are (She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25) … as some of our “men” give the old ‘side-eyez’ (smh). They are stepping out, going for their gusto, achieving their dreams and making things happen. There is nothing as wonderful as realizing how truly amazing you are … there is no one like you.
I remember my first serious relationship. I was 18 … he was older, controlling (I confused that with love) and he had a habit of reminding me that I was lucky to have someone like him. He constantly told me my family objected to our relationship because they didn’t want to see me happy. He convinced me he was doing everything for MY benefit. When I decided I wanted to go to college. I was excited … until he registered for college too. I tried to be a part of the marching band … but he didn’t want me to attend practice. He convinced me that education and my extracurricular activities were interfering with our relationship. Yes … I eventually withdrew … only later would I realize how much I withdrew.
We moved to a house that was owned by one of his sisters and I was not allowed to give out the address. I was also not allowed to have a home phone for the first several months … but then he needed a way to be reached, so we got a phone (it was a few more months before I was allowed to answer the phone). My daughter would stay with me most weekends, but he convinced me she was better off with my Grandma … funny thing was … my Grandma felt the same way (but that’s another story). He told me I didn’t need friends that he was my friend and anything I needed to talk about I could discuss with him.
Being young and somewhat impressionable, I gave this man so much power over me I totally lost myself in what I thought was a relationship. I gave up all the dreams and desires I had in an attempt to become the center of his world, only to discover I had placed myself smack in the middle of a very abusive situation.
It was those little hints I missed early on … the seclusion, the telephone, the mind games … these evolved to insults and threats. As time went on I graduated to emotional abuse, being blamed for his frequent incarcerations and physical violence. It was during his last “vacation” that I fell into the arms of someone else (again, another story) and ended the affair just before his release. How did I know he had set little ‘traps’ around the house? Add that to his niece and a neighbor he convinced to watch me … I was confronted about the affair. My gut told me not to deny anything, so I told the truth but of course I added (with dramatic flair) that it was over and wouldn’t happen again. He said he forgave me and everything was okay, but I knew he was not telling the truth. I later found out from the guy that he had followed him on several occasions, approached him on his job and attempted to get him in a car (I have no clue what he planned to do) ‘for a ride’. It was also at this time he began being more verbally abusive. The threats of physical violence were almost daily (if you so much as look in another man’s direction I will break both your arms), but the frosting on the cake … his plan to trade me for drugs. He actually sat there and tried to convince me that I owed him this for cheating on him (???).
Well … I waited for him to leave and I packed everything I could into a Hefty trash bag and walked my crazy azz to my cousin’s house … praying she would take me in … she did, we cried together about the situation and then I had to work on my plan to get myself together.
(Fast Forward)
It’s taken some years to get anywhere near back on track with my life. Many of those years I walked the streets fearing he would pull up on me and try to make me get in a car. I honestly did not find peace until the day he died. I even went to the funeral to make sure he was really gone and to say a final goodbye. My goals, dreams and desires ... restored.
For what it was worth, he did help to make me the person I am today … stronger, smarter, wiser and resilient.
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