Safe Haven

Psalm 43:2

New Living Translation (NLT)

² For you are God, my only safe haven.  Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?

I have found myself searching for that 'safe haven' more often lately.  I still remember the day I was told I had breast cancer ... wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel, but didn't really have the chance to think about it ... hubby was standing there dismissing the news as if I'd been told I have a cold and to go home with some soup.  Maybe that's a good way to handle tough situations, maybe not.  He wasn't in the room with me when I was told it was Triple Negative Breast Cancer ... (take another deep breath and re-heat that soup please).  As I did/do with most things I immediately hit the Internet; never had I felt so defeated, discouraged and disheartened.  Nothing positive, no good news, no wonderful prognosis AND the medical community was claiming it was NEW AND RARE (???).  My breast surgeon jokingly says 'Well Ray, when you do it you do it big'.

Each year I would face a new challenge resulting from my treatment and each year I held my breath waiting for test results.  While each challenge may have weakened my physical self, it seemed to strengthen me mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  In spite of all the things going on I always say "I'm still in remission" and throw my hands up in praise.  This latest challenge has really got me going though.  I'm back where I was with my cancer diagnosis ... not knowing how I'm supposed to feel.  Hubby is pretending to take it in stride, but I can see a difference in his behavior.  Back then it was 'just suck it up and do what they tell you to do', now it's laying out my meds AND juice, watching me everytime I cough, sneeze or say ouch.  It's 'get off the computer and go to bed, you need your rest' and he's a little more controlling and over-protective.

I'm not an invalid and the funny thing is we BOTH now have heart failure, so why isn't HE following the protocol he's trying to force on me?  I spent a few days mad at him (in my mind) because I found out my condition is worse than his (talk about buzzard's luck), but encouraged by the fact his numbers improved after treatment (always looking for that rainbow).

Trying to find ways to deal with this situation and things that will help me better accept what I'm going through.  Keep in mind I was only prepared for handling cancer and it took me a minute to get there.  Then it dawned on me I should treat it just like I did cancer.  Instead of hiding it from people ... talk about it.  Instead worrying what people will say or do around me ... show them how my life continues in spite of my challenges.  And most importanly ... show by example how to overcome this challenge.  Take care of myself, get some sort of activity going (Did I mention I'm now leading a water-walking class at our local YMCA?) and listen to my body.

Some days are still more difficult than others, but everyday I place my feet on the floor is a good day.  This newest challenge is the cause of me again seeking out that 'safe haven'.  Because I haven't shared my condition with everyone (yet) I have to smile when I don't want to and keep it moving.  I've found my patience getting short with foolishness and ignorance (which seems to abound in the workplace).  I've closed my door more often lately ... I need that quiet time, that time of reflection ... meditation ... to focus.  I need that time to renew my spirit and pray for God's anointing, for His touch for His comfort, guidance and strength.

   

Triple Negative Breast Cancer and heart failure ... do I worry?  No.  Am I scared?  No.  Do I imagine what life will be like once I'm gone?  Yes ... don't we all?  Do I wish things were different as it relates to my health?  Yes.  Would I like more time here on Earth to see my grandchildren finish college and have families of their own?  Yes. 

'They' say five years is our benchmark and if we make it to that point without a recurrence our chances of having a recurrence become the same as someone only having breast cancer.  Now let's add that little gift that keeps on giving ... 'after-effects' of aggressive cancer treatments ... January 23rd will be my 5th year ... That's going to be one helluva celebration in 2014!!!