He was my joy, my light and as he got older my shadow, my side-kick. No one could ever tell me he would become my source of pain, my anguish and at times tearing out my very soul. I love both my children with all my heart, but I admit I always shared a closer connection with my son. My Grandma raised my daughter for the first seven years ... I mean I was there to hold her, change her feed, her, comb her hair, but Grandma was in control and that was her child more than mine. I spent the majority of my daughter's early years working (my brother Alvin said if I was old enough to lay down get a baby, I was old enough to work and take care of a baby) to ensure my Grandma would not shoulder the financial burden of a teenage mother.
When I was surprised with the birth of my son (yes I said surprised and that's another blog for another day) ... as they laid him on my chest and those big brown eyes looked up at me, my heart melted and I vowed I would do what I had to do to ensure I would be there for him ... especially his early years. This is how our bond became so close. I wouldn't let him leave my side for the first two years and when the time came for me to return to work ... I reluctantly sent him to daycare. Having both my children with me I began my journey of real motherhood.
There were many times I sacrificed to make sure they did not go without. I've always felt no child should suffer for a parent's indiscretions. That child did not ask to be here, so don't hold them responsible or hold a grudge because you can't go out or buy that outfit you've been dying to have. Suck it up Buttercup and handle your business.
I watched my son grow into a handsome, intelligent young man. Even in his teen years he would still slide up next to me and lay his head on my shoulder. My son, my baby.
It wasn't until his high school years that he started to drift away. No longer did he tell me all his secrets or share his day with me. No longer did we hangout on the weekends or even the weekdays. He was growing up and had discovered life outside of the home.
Well ... he's a grown man now ... with a wife and children. I won't be like most mothers and totally blame someone for the changes in my son, but I will say he has not made the best decisions with his life. It hurt me to watch my son, that had so much promise, make decisions that would have long-term negative effects on his life. While I won't spill all the beans on how he ultimately ripped out my heart, I will share that his behavior was something I would have never done to my worst enemy. The clincher ... receiving a phone call in the middle of the night to be told "You are no longer my mother" (yes ... my son inherited my drama gene).
Every October 8th I cry, but I still pray and believe he will achieve his purpose in life.
Today I wish him Happy Birthday
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