What's Come Over Me ...

Mid-life Crisis: A term coined in 1965 by Elliott Jaques stating a time where adults come to realize their own mortality and how much time is left in their life.^[1] A midlife crisis is experienced by many people during the midlife transition when they realize that life may be more than halfway over. Sometimes, a crisis can be triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such as andropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of grief, unemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living, or children leaving home. People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, large expenditures, or physical appearance.
taken from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis

Lately my thoughts drift more and I find myself dreaming of ways I can retire without moving into a homeless shelter.  I consult the calendar to see how long before I'm fully vested.  I check the financial calculators to see just how little I could live off of if I retired now.  Unlike some financially savvy folk ... I haven't planned well for my retirement and am now in that category of 'having to work until I'm 65' ... if I want to sustain my current standard of living.

I believe it is in part due to my experiencing the dreaded 'mid-life crisis'.  The rest I blame on 'forced' menopause and chemo-brain.  I was never happy with my job, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful ... just not happy.  It has become work (a four-letter word) and when it's work it's not fun.  Now that unhappy feeling has increased as I ease closer to my latter years, while the clock on my 'hoped-for' career (counseling) ticks away.  At work I sit in front of computer most of the day, very little face-to-face contact and tons of paper.  This is odd for me because I love connecting with people.  I love the interaction and I love the stimulating conversations.  In my current environment, I tend to hold the few visitors I get hostage, as if they were a life-line to the outside world.

My personal life is not immune to this crisis and I'm dealing with that the best way possible.  Trying to keep the passion alive, placing little things around me that will remind me of why I am where I am, trying to laugh more, trying to shed the dead weight, trying harder to see people for who they really are ... especially family.

I sometimes think this mid-life crisis thing is a way to excuse some of our crazy behavior as we get older.  I'm not trying to recreate myself, find 'my groove' (old Stella reference) or do any deep soul-searching.  I'm just trying to reach my true goals.  I'm just trying to fill the empty spaces in my life.  I'm just trying to live the life I sing about.  I'm just trying to be more like the person I would want to hang around.  I'm just trying to be a better me.